I am not one to sound the alarm unless disorider, destruction and death is imminent – but in this case I fear it is. As you will know, I am one damned tough cookie, but just one hour ago I was  reduced to snivelling, mewling and weeping like a pouffe.

“What!” you cry. “What could possibly have been behind this demolition of your manhood?”

The culprit was a new product available at (ahem) Burger King: The “Angry Whopper.” This was advertized as spicey, but seriously – how spicey could an American fast food product be?

The answer is in: Murderously. A few seconds after biting into this innocuous looking snack, a hellish, sulphurous smoke began to curl up to the roof of my mouth. Then it detonated deep in my gut: Napalm.

No joke – this is THE hottest damned thing I have eaten in Korea. Ever. The only thing that outranks it in my culinary experience is a lamb phaal which I unwisely endured in a curry house during my student days.

After finishing my meal, I was not only agonized, I was also astounded – this is BURGER KING for God’s sake! I seriously wonder if the staff of the Jongno Gu-chong branch mistakenly added ten times the amount of spice this new product is supposed to carry…?

If a child ate one – instant death.
A wimp would last perhaps five minutes.
Korean raw green pepper connnoisseurs may (I say advisedly: “may”) survive.

Needless to say, this x-rated death burger carries my highest recommendation: the only time in my life I have recommended a fast food product.

(Note: If you are planning to sample it,suggest the following precaution: Place a roll of toilet paper and a tube of haemhorroid salve in your refrigerator 24 hours in advance of your meal.)

Our friend Brian first brought this new glorious product to my attention.  It’s not just the Ministry of Agriculture that could use someone outside the circle as a consultant.  The snack makers at Lotte maybe could have–should have–run this by a native English speaker before throwing it out there on the market.  This was no problem before when Korea was pretty much a closed society, and there was no internet–or snarky bloggers on the internet.

Let’s get Ricetarded (ha), let’s get Ricetarded in here!

What do we have here?

It’s a basic little spongecake-based snack cake.  These custard ones have been getting popular in Korea in the past couple of years.  Last year, a cheese flavored one came out that kicked ass.  Oh, props should go out to Dan of Seoul Eats for donating the super-mini tripod (along with the camera he donated much earlier), which lets me take better shots in low light.

So, what’s in a Ricetard?

I just love saying that word.  Say it with me.

RICETARD.

Yes, the word comes from a blend of “rice” and “custard.” But it’s not a rice custard.  The cake uses rice flour.  They point out many times on the package that it uses 100-percent Korean rice.  This may be one of those campaigns, like the ddeokbokki/topokki one, that is trying to save Korean rice farmers from international competition.

The filling is vanilla-flavored cream and what they call “orange jam.”

“But Zen, isn’t it full of trans fats and all that unhealthy gunk?”

No, bubba.  See that guy in the doctor’s coat?  It’s well-being.  It has vitamins B1 and B2 along with niacin.  That healthy, bro.

Oh… hmph…. mwo mwa fhwf mwafhf…sorry… was eating my Ricetard.  It tastes like any other snack cake–more like a Twinkie.  You can see there’s a hint of that so-called orange jam, but I didn’t taste it in the sea of sugar.  Lemme try again.

Hmm… nope.  Well, okay, there’s a hint of something in the middle of that petroleum jelly textured “cream.” Maybe it’s the orange jam.  May have to try another one.  Talk to ya later.

Mmm… crispy fingers in chocolate.  Looks slightly familiar…

Actually, Gdog of The Daily Kimchi blogged about this a long time ago, but I thought it should be exumed for kicks (get it?).

I love summer’s new ice creams! This one is called Al Gum Bar. What makes this one unique?

Yes, it contains sugarless gum with that magical tooth enhancing ingredient, xylitol. Actually, I think it’s the Xylitol brand gum, which, okay, does have xylitol in it. Whatever. There’s gum there.

And it’s in the “stick.” Had to take this picture fast because the ice cream was collapsing. Camera just refused to focus.

The ice cream itself is strawberry flavor with what I think is a basic ice milk middle. The strawberry flavor was too over powering to taste what the middle part was. So why do they have it?

Maybe it’s just decoration.

Finishing the bar gives you a vial of contraband. I wonder how far I’ll get at the airport with something like this.

There we have it. Gum. In an ice cream bar. Now you can clean your teeth after eating a sugary snack.

Guilt free.

Okay, I tried it. I saw the ad for it on Mongdori, and I had to see this for myself. Are avocados finally going to become popular in Korea?

Well, I stopped by Lotteria last night. Honestly, looking at some of the new stuff on their menu, they seem to be getting better. Their thicker double cheeseburgers look damn tempting. But I was there for the “Avocado Tong Sae-u Burger.”

(It has yoga positions on the wrapper. That means it’s healthy.)

Took it home. It was dark, and I still don’t have decent lighting and a decent camera for good night shots. I could have set up some lighting and taken a lot of in-focus pics.

Sorry. Hungry.

But let’s look inside first.

Okay, we have the usual suspects for the Shrimp Burger. Gloppy sauce and iceberg lettuce. The only noticeable difference is a slice of cheese and a slice of yellow bell pepper. Where’s the avocado?

Moving the fried shrimp patty aside, I found a little green puddle of guacamole-like substance. I guess that’s the avocado. Kinda looks like baby poo.

Don’t think about it too much, Joe. You need to eat.

Taste?

It’s like a slightly more upscale Shrimp Burger. I couldn’t really taste the avocado. But I do like shrimp burgers. That isn’t just filler in that patty. It’s big hunks o’ shrimp with firm texture. No mealiness.

So really, I guess the avocado isn’t in the burger for taste. It’s for “well-being.” That still doesn’t explain the cheese.

Nonetheless, it’s much better than the Rice Burgers and a sign that every now and then Lotteria goes in the right direction.

Mongdori has a video of the commercial for this latest monster to emerge from the Lotteria labs. I’m going to see if I can track one down tonight and give a report.

The witty and gorgeous lao-ocean-girl found this one. If you can’t read the hangeul, is says, “Screw.” Lao-ocean-girl claims, “Big screws are refreshing.”

Okay, guys, wipe the drool from the keyboard.

Make it taste better!

At least that’s one of the reasons that The Asia Pacific Post gave for the turnaround in fast food’s profits in South Korea this year after five years of decline.

Oh, and breakfast.

Basically, it says that chains like Lotteria and McDonald’s are finally having good business again. They tried to get the well-being crowd with (ICK!) Pumpkin Burgers and–well–that nasty Rice Burger was part of their well-being fiasco.

What has worked were Lotteria’s premium burger line (like the Frico Burger, which I still love) and McDonald’s and Starbucks introducing breakfast.

I know, I know. Every Westerner who has stayed on this peninsula for even a few days has said that Korean fast food tastes horrible (Where’s the beef?) and needs to have breakfast (Where’s the McMuffin?).

We have also learned that it takes a while for the big ajosshies in charge to grasp at basic lemonade stand business sense.

Annalog seems to think so. She compares two roti bun shops that recently opened near each other.